The Power of True Friendship

1 Samuel 18-23, selected verses

Lew Wilcox and Bobby Rohrbach Jr. met in the summer of 1962, riding their bikes together in a small southern Ohio town.

These days, every Saturday, one picks the other up and they go out for breakfast, run errands, and talk about families, home repairs and how the world is changing. If one can’t remember a place or name, the other can fill in because they so often lived the same story. They didn’t outgrow each other or leave one another behind and still live within about five miles of their childhood homes. “I have a lot of friends but there’s something special about our friendship,” says Lew, 75, of his friend, Bobby, 73.

A 72-year-long study conducted at Harvard tracked what really makes human beings happy. The study’s longtime director, George Vaillant, when asked what has been learned, answered pointedly, “That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.”

In the last two decades, scientists have discovered that this truth is even wired into our brains. Researcher Daniel Goleman summarizes it this way: “The most fundamental revelation of [the discipline of neurobiology is that] we are wired to connect. Neuroscience has discovered that our brain’s very design makes it sociable, inexorably drawn into an intimate brain-to-brain linkup whenever we engage with another person.”[i]

Yet as important as they are, people have fewer close friendships than they once did. 40% of Americans say they don’t have a best friend at all, up from 25% in 1990. 60% of Americans say they’re lonely. The best-friend gap is more pronounced for men, who typically have fewer close friends than women do. The percentage of men without any close friends jumped fivefold to 15% in 2021 from 3% in 1990, according to the May 2021 American Perspectives Survey.

Michael Addis, director of the Research Group on Men’s Well-Being, says, “We were taught for generations to focus on work, family, and productivity. Don’t share what is really going on inside with other men.”

Time together deepens bonds. Becoming a best friend takes 300 hours of togetherness, one study reported. Those fortunate enough to have friends through the decades develop a common history that fresh friendships often don’t.[ii]

We are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. And loneliness has very real health consequences. Feeling lonely and isolated is as harmful to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and can increase your risk of premature death by 50%. Loneliness weakens the immune system, increases inflammation, and increases levels of stress hormones in the body. It increases the likelihood of experiencing depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, and is linked to cognitive decline and dementia in older adults.

God has created us to connect – introverts and extraverts alike – in healthy community. We are hard wired for connection. And yet, in our digitally connected world, we struggle to find it.

As we continue our summer series on the life of David, Israel’s warrior-poet king, we come to a really significant period in David’s life that we often overlook. It’s the time between his epic confrontation with the Philistine human tank Goliath and his final ascent to the throne of Israel. It’s a very dangerous time in David’s life, and yet he experiences incredible blessing in the midst of the danger. We’re going to be walking through 6 chapters of 1 Samuel today, and we’re going to go a little long today, so buckle up. But it’s going to be good. Here we go. We’re going to start with the opening verses of 1 Samuel 18. (Vv. 1-5).

David is standing in the presence of Saul, the king of Israel who has been rejected by God. He’s standing there holding Goliath’s head, and the writer tells us that “As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” That’s significant, because Jonathan is Saul’s son, the crown prince of Israel, heir to Saul’s throne when he dies.

As David is standing there talking with Saul, with the head of Goliath in his hands, something in David connects with something in Jonathan at a very deep level. Just a few chapters earlier in 1 Samuel 14, Jonathan and his armor bearer, by themselves, scaled a cliff and took out about twenty well-trained, professional Philistine warriors in an attack that sent the rest of the garrison scrambling for safety. It was a bold move, similar to David’s solo confrontation with Goliath.

In fact, the writer uses very similar language to describe the two incidents. Saul had 600 men with him and was doing nothing, while Jonathan and his armor bearer scaled the cliff and took out the Philistines who were, as they often were, impinging on Israelite territory. As Jonathan heads toward the cliff, he says to his armor bearer, “Come, let us go over to the garrison of the uncircumcised. It may be that the LORD will work for us, for nothing can hinder the LORD from saving by many or by few” (1 Sam. 14:6). Sounds a lot like David before he took out Goliath, doesn’t it?

There’s something that beats in the heart of David, a passion for God, a deep faith in God, a willingness to take great risks for God, that beats in Jonathan’s heart too. So much so that the Bible actually calls the soulmates. Something that’s really popular in certain scholarly circles today is to talk about the relationship between David and Jonathan as a homosexual relationship. There’s something in us as humans that can’t conceptualize a deep, intimate friendship, especially when that friendship is between two men, without sexualizing it. But the reality is, deep connection doesn’t have to be a sexual connection, and we are created by God, hardwired, to have deep connections with others.

Not with everyone. David had many people in his life. His friendship with Jonathan was the only one spoken about in these terms. They were brothers from another mother. Soulmates. Deeply connected to one another. And it wasn’t sexual. It was a heterosexual, male friendship. We struggle to conceptualize that because men today often don’t know how to connect with others, men or women. And if we do figure out how to connect, we’re raked over the coals for it.

In her bestseller “Daring Greatly,” Brene Brown, a social worker who studies connection, vulnerability, and shame, and who has given not one but two of the most watched TED Talks of all time, says this about men and vulnerability and connection:

“Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.”

David and Jonathan, connected deeply to one another at the level of the soul, could be truly vulnerable with one another. Not every friendship or relationship needs that level of intimacy, but we ALL need one friendship that is that close.

So David and Jonathan are deeply connected, and then, in the midst of great military success, things on a personal level fall apart for David. God blesses him with victory wherever he goes. So much so that Saul made him a commander in his army and eventually commander over his own bodyguard. But while the people idolize both David and Saul as their protectors, they begin to idolize David over Saul. Down in V. 7, we see that the women of Israel sang “Saul has struck down his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” And that doesn’t sit well with Saul, like at all.

Over the next few chapters of 1 Samuel, Saul tries to kill David six times. Three times, as David played music to soothe Saul’s troubled soul, Saul, in an irrational fit of rage, hurled his javelin at David. So as David had to keep an eye on Saul as he played, ready to dodge his spear should he, as the growing darkness in his heart and mind and soul took over, throw it at David.

Twice he tried to lure David into certain death in suicide missions against the Philistines. In the first instance, he offered his daughter Merab to be married to David should he succeed, which Saul didn’t expect. He expected David to be killed. When he DID succeed, Saul reneged on his promise and offered Merab in marriage to another. Then Saul heard that his daughter Michal was in love with David, and he did the same thing again, this time asking David to do something even more insane in an attack on the Philistines. And again, against all odds, David was successful, and this time Saul did give David Michal’s hand in marriage. So the two suicide missions didn’t work either.

So he sent a death squad to kill David in his home. But Saul’s daughter and David’s wife Michal protected David and told them that he was sick in bed. Apparently there was some dishonor associated with killing someone while they were sick in bed, so they went back to Saul empty handed, because they believed David was too sick to come outside and be killed. So Saul sent them back, telling them to bring David on his bed to Saul and he would do it himself. But Michal put a dummy in the bed and helped David flee. Saul’s attempts on David’s life go from sporadic and emotional – anger in the moment as he brooded –  to persistent, calculated, and cunning.

Now, look at 1 Samuel 19:1-7. In the midst of David’s deadly trouble with Saul, Jonathan, Saul’s son and David’s soulmate, speaks up for David. He could have played one side against the other, a move that, humanly speaking, could have benefitted Jonathan greatly, allowing him to side with whichever one eventually won, David or Saul. But he didn’t do that. He protected his friend, speaking out, at great risk to himself, to his father the king. Jonathan is all-in in his friendship with David. He isn’t using this friendship to his advantage. He does what is best for his friend, regardless of what it means for him.

Real friends aren’t selfish and self-seeking. They truly seek what is best for one another. We live in a world today that throws away any friendship (or romantic relationship, for that matter) that becomes inconvenient or comes to the point of requiring a real sacrifice or focus on the other person. In our modern obsession with the self above all else, we’ve made relationships all about us, and the moment a relationship asks something real of us, a real commitment, a real investment, we get rid of it.

Look at chapter 20:31-34. And then down at Vv. 41-42. This is covenant language, the same language used when God made covenants with Noah and Abraham. God would eventually enter into a covenant with David; a covenant indicating that his throne would be an everlasting throne and that the messiah himself (it wasn’t fleshed out that way for David because the exile would have been a completely foreign concept to him) would come from David’s line. Even when David was unfaithful, God remained faithful to his promise to David.

A covenant is a permanent, lasting relationship. In the protestant church today, we honor two sacraments: communion and baptism, and one covenant – the covenant of marriage, a union intended to last for a lifetime. Does it always? No. Can covenants be legitimately broken? Yes. Are there times when, for safety’s sake, it should be? Yes. But we don’t throw these kinds of friendships or relationships away at the drop of a hat either.

Jonathan is able to see that his father is wrong, and he is deeply saddened for David and angry with his father. Oh, he stays by his father’s side as the crown prince, but his father also knows he’s angry. He’s protective of David. He doesn’t throw him under the bus when it would be advantageous to do so. David’s friendship with Jonathan isn’t some fly-by-night connection of convenience; something to be thrown away when it gets inconvenient. There’s real commitment here as Jonathan continues to run interference for David with his father. These kinds of friendships last, regardless of where one or the other moves, or how life situations change. They aren’t friendships of convenience. Lots of friendships are, and that’s fine. But we all need some that aren’t.

Look specifically at V. 41. David is an emotional guy. We know that. The Psalms give is a close-up, intimate view of David’s inner world. David was capable of intense joy and celebration, deep fear, sadness, and anxiety, and episodes of intense anger and a desire for vengeance. In the pages of the Old Testament, the inner and outer parts of David’s life, his successes, his failures, and the depth of emotion that colored them all, is laid out for all to see in a way unparalleled in the pages of Scripture, or anywhere else in human history for that matter.

But the thing I want you to notice is that Jonathan lets David be David. He doesn’t try to change his emotional nature or tell him he’s wrong to feel this way or that. He just lets David be David, and be where he is in the moment. He doesn’t try to control David. Healthy friendships aren’t controlling. We have to learn to let people be who they are. Does that mean there’s no accountability? Of course not. But when you have my best interest at heart and I have your best interest at heart, we are each free to let the other be who they are.

So, David has fled from Saul’s court, and Saul is pursuing him. David sought refuge among the prophets and priests living in what appears to be almost like an ancient monastery type situation at Nob. And because they helped David, Saul had them all killed. So David is now fleeing from Saul with about 400 men who are with him. The writer tells us that “everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was bitter in soul, gathered to him” in the cave of Adullam as he fled. Sounds like David and his merry band of misfits, to be honest. And he’s got these people with him, and Saul is hot on their heels, and he feels responsible for the deaths of the priests at Nob and the safety of the people with him. In the middle of all of that, he rescues a city that was being attacked by the Philistines, so he basically continues to fight FOR Saul even as he flees FROM Saul. Life is just kind of crashing down on David right now. Now, look at what Jonathan does. Look at chapter 23:16-18.

Jonathan goes to encourage his friend while he’s down and harried by life. He doesn’t leave him to drown. He goes to be with him. And he acknowledges that David will be king of Israel in place of his father, and therefore, IN PLACE OF HIM. Jonathan doesn’t leave David behind when he realizes that David will take his place on the throne. He recognizes God’s hand in what is happening in David’s life, he reminds David that in spite of current circumstances, God is at work, and then he submits himself to the will of God in his and in David’s life. You will increase and become king, I will decrease, but I will still be with you. I am not going away because you will, in this world’s eyes, be successful while I am not. THAT is a true friend. THAT is a soulmate.

Ironically, this would be the last time Jonathan and David saw one another, but even then, in a world without social media and Facetime and texting, the friendship persists. Let’s fast forward to 2 Samuel for a minute. Saul and Jonathan are now dead, killed on the field of battle, and David is king. Look at 2 Samuel 9:1-7. Jonathan protected David when David needed it, and David then protected Jonathan’s son when he needed it.

Several years later, the Gibeonites who lived in Israel sought reparations against the family of Saul, who sought to destroy them. They asked for seven descendants of Saul to be given to them to be hanged publicly in Saul’s home territory as a denouncement against Saul. And David agreed. BUT, look at 2 Samuel 21:7. Saul’s descendants? Okay, you can have seven of them. But none will be descendants of Jonathan. David honors his friendship with Jonathan years after Jonathan’s death.

Most modern friendships are friendships of convenience. We let them go when we no longer need them, or when they no longer suit us, or just as people move on in life, in spite of the fact that with modern technology we can be more connected than ever. And they tend to be controlling and self-focused.

True friendship is committed and lasts. It’s committed to the good of the other, and is willing to sacrifice for the good of the other. Each is protective of the other, even when it might be advantageous not to be. And each can be authentically themselves.

We are living in a loneliness epidemic. We don’t know how to be friends, or how to maintain a true friendship. Can every friendship be this way? No. Should every friendship be this way? No. But can every friendship be marked by these traits. Yes.

But there’s something else we need to realize. Even when we don’t have a human friend like this, there is one who will always stand by us. Look at what Jesus says in John 15:12-17.

“I have called you friends.” Everything that he has from God he gives to us. We aren’t slaves or servants, but friends. That’s the language Jesus uses to describe his relationship with you! “You are my friend.” Why? Because he has chosen you to be his friend. Not a matter of convenience or because of some kind of benefit to him. He isn’t using us the way we as human beings use one another for our ends and then throw them away. He has chosen you because he loves you, and he calls you his friend.

In Jesus, you and I have a friend who sacrificed himself for our good, for our forgiveness, so that he can call us his friends. When no one else is there, he is right there. When everyone else turns their back on you, or uses you for their benefit and then throws you in life’s dumpster, he is right there. He will never leave you. He will never turn his back on you. He will never withhold his love from you. He will never throw you under the bus, even when life get’s difficult. He will always, always be there. All he asks, is that you call him friend too. That you trust what he has done for you. Is there an obedience that needs to happen between us and Jesus? Absolutely. But even our ability to obey him is a gift that he gives to us. He asks us to obey him just as he obeyed our heavenly Father. But he gives us the strength and desire to do even that. He is always there.

It’s easy to hear a sermon like this one and judge all of our friends by this standard. What we need to do is take a hard look at the kind of friend we ARE, before we look closely at the kind of friends we HAVE. Are we using people, friends because being friends with them benefits us in some way. Are we controlling and selfish, or do we set people free to be who they are? Are we focused only on ourselves and what we get out of the relationship, or do we sacrifice for the sake of others? Are you and I real friends to the people in our lives? Let us pray.

[i] Adapted from Glen Stanton, The Family Project (Focus on the Family, 2014), pgs. 299-300

[ii] Clare Ansberry, “They’ve Been Friends for 60 Years. Lew and Bobby Have Figured Out What Most Men Don’t,” The Wall Street Journal (9-4-23)