When Life Gets Messy

2 Samuel 13

Life can be messy, can’t it? Life gets messy because sin, in some way, makes it messy. Lust – not just physical lust – the lust for money, for influence, for nice things, for status – jealousy, unrestrained anger, greed. They make life a mess.

Mike Love is one of the original members of the Beach Boys, and he’s known for his contribution to songs like “California Girls,” “Help Me Rhonda,” “I Get Around,” and others. We often look at people like Mike and think, “Man, he’s got it all. Success, fame, money, a comfortable life.” But the messiness of life doesn’t discriminate. Those we envy can’t avoid it any more than we can. And life does get messy – for all of us.

In Mike Love’s case, a former wife had an affair with his cousin Dennis Wilson, also a member of the Beach Boys. That’s messy.

His name didn’t make it onto the publishing credits for many of the Beach Boys early songs – something he filed a lawsuit over; and it strained his relationship with another one of his cousins – Brian Wilson – who considered to be the genius behind the Beach Boys.

Rolling Stone magazine asked him what he would say to his cousin and former band-mate Brian Wilson if he were standing with him, and Love responded, “I’d probably say, ‘I love you,’” as moisture gathered in the corner of his eyes. “And I love what we did together. And let’s do it again.”

But then he gives his head a shake, narrows his eyes, any wetness there drying up, frowns and once again gives voice to an inner turmoil and pain that no amount of money, fame, or recognition can ever smooth over. “I’ve been ostracized,” he says quietly. “Vilified …”

Life definitely gets messy. And one of the main areas that messiness shows up is in our families. Jealousy, anger, mistrust, even hatred – between siblings, between parents and their grown children, with exes. Family, intended by God to be a blessing and a source of joy, of strength, of encouragement, and a place of love and belonging, so often falls way too far short of God’s intention for it. And that’s true of families in the kingdom of God just as much as it is outside of it.

Today, we’re continuing our journey through the life of Israel’s great King David in the Old Testament books of 1 and 2 Samuel. Today, we’re going to find him dealing poorly, as we all so often do, with hatred, pain and turmoil within his own household, and it can all be traced back to his own sin with Bathsheba. Turn with me to 2 Samuel 13. I’m going to read the entire story first, and then we’ll go back through and break it down.

Sometimes when we read a passage in the Bible we get so focused on the people involved that we miss what God is doing, and Scripture is, first and foremost, about who God is and what God is doing. When we focus only on the people in the story, we run the risk of making serious mistakes in applying it to our lives because we aren’t focused on what God is doing in the story.  But the people involved in this story come so much to the forefront that we can’t help but do that. It’s almost like the writer is inviting us to focus on the people here. In fact, God isn’t mentioned at all. Don’t worry, God’s at work, as God always is. But I want to start by looking at this from Tamar’s perspective.

Tamar is a daughter of the king. David, unfortunately, had several wives, so Tamar is a full sister to David’s son Absalom, and a half sister of David’s oldest son Amnon. Tamar and Absalom share a father and a mother. Tamar and Amnon share only a father. Now, Tamar may be a princess, the daughter of the king, but she’s no stranger to work. Her half-brother Amnon is sick, and she, sent by her father, David, goes to tend to him.

She deftly creates and then kneads the dough while he watches, and then bakes the bread. When the meal is ready, she takes it over to where he’s sitting and sets it in front of him, but he refuses to eat. He wants her to hand feed him while he lays in his bed. And so, with all of the servants sent out of Amnon’s chambers, she takes the food she’s made to his bedside to help him eat. It was then that she realized that he wasn’t sick at all. At least not physically. He grabbed ahold of her with a grip that said he wasn’t going to be denied what he really wanted, which was her.

But she resisted him. She tried to pull away, desperately trying to convince him of the seriousness of the heinous act he was proposing. Other cultures might accept incest, at least among royals, but Israel was supposed to be different than the peoples around her. “Such a thing is not done in Israel.” Unlike the people around us, WE don’t do this. And he would be like one of the “outrageous fools” in Israel. The word “fool” here doesn’t mean fool in the way we think of it today. It indicates something far more serious than just someone doing something dumb. It points to people who are wickedly perverted or godless wretches. The “outrageous fools” Tamar is talking about are people so given to wickedness and the perversion of all that is good and right that they can be thought of as nothing more than wretches. Truly evil people.

Tamar begs Amnon to let her go, because this isn’t just something that is “frowned upon.” It is truly evil. This isn’t just something they “shouldn’t do.” It is something they “cannot do.” She’s so desperate that she bargains with him. Look at the end of V. 13. She’s actually willing to marry Amnon to make this thing at least sort of ok. But he’s having nothing of it.

He isn’t interested in love. He’s just filled with lust. Look at the words the writer used back up in V. 2. He isn’t interested in doing anything WITH her. He doesn’t love her. He just wants to do something TO her. He wants to satisfy his appetite. And so he pulls her into the bed and takes her. David’s sin with Bathsheba is being played out all over again between his son and his daughter. Oh, the word “rape” isn’t used in David’s episode with Bathsheba, but who could say “no” to the king. She had no power. Neither does Tamar.

Now, we can sit here and say, “Well I’m certainly not in any danger of doing something like THIS. Maybe not. But remember the snowballing effect of sin. A look becomes a leer, and a leer becomes lust, and lust demands to be satisfied. Sin, in all of its forms and expressions in our hearts, starts out as something small, something seemingly insignificant. Probably something not truly sinful in and of itself. A look. A thought. A feeling. And it doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Greed. Envy. Selfishness. The lust for control of others, for influence, for nice things, for comfort, for significance – anything that displaces God on the throne of our lives – when we don’t confess it and repent, begins to control us.

The New Testament writer James said it this way: “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (Js. 1:14-15).

Before we know it, it’s snowballed on us, gotten away from us. The harmless text became an emotional or physical affair. We drove buzzed and took a life and now our family and the other are both destroyed. We got caught lying or gossiping about coworkers, and our job is in jeopardy because we’re divisive. When I want what I want, whatever it is, and that thing is the only thing that matters, other people become objects to be run over, or used and then thrown out. Sin depersonalizes other people. They become objects, not people.

When Amnon is done, his appetite satisfied for the moment, he throws Tamar away. Look at his words in V. 15. In Hebrew, just 2 words. No conversation. No loving pillow talk. Just, “Go away.” He was done with her. If she had been willing, it would have been incest. She wasn’t willing, so it became incest and rape, and now she begs him not to send her away, for in that culture, no man would want her now. There was no grace for a woman who had been with another man. Even though she resisted. Even though it was rape. Do you see how powerless she is?

And when she won’t go? Look at V. 17. She doesn’t even have a name to him. Not anymore, anyway. She is just “this woman.” An object, not a person. The same thing happened to Bathsheba with Amnon’s father David. David didn’t call her “this woman.” But the writer emphasizes her status as an object to David, not a person. Look back just briefly at 2 Samuel 11:5. “The woman.” Not “Bathsheba.” She is just “the woman.” She’s been named elsewhere. She isn’t just “the woman” to the writer. He’s emphasizing David’s view of her. She was, in the moment, an object to him.

Now, David did marry her eventually, and had children with her. His son Solomon, Israel’s next king, was Bathsheba’s child. But David’s sin has progressed in his son Amnon’s heart. He will not take “this woman” to be his wife. He throws her away. And she leaves, tearing her decorated, ornamental robe, the robe of a princess who was of age and could be married. In just a few minutes, her life ruined.

Does this make you angry? Are you seething inside? Because you should be. That’s what the writer wants you to do. He wants us to be indignant, angry, furious at the mistreatment of Tamar, the way she has been disempowered and depersonalized. That’s what sin does. It causes us to cross other peoples’ boundaries, and in the process stealing their power and their humanity. He wants us to be angry at sin and injustice.

The problem is that we’ve become so jaded, so desensitized to injustice, that we no longer cry out for justice. We no longer get involved and get our hands dirty. We just … watch. We gape. We point and we shake our heads in sadness, but that’s all we do. We no longer have empathy for those who are treated unjustly. We’re no longer indignant at the impact of sin. We just … watch. We’ve become spectators. Now, we aren’t supposed to seek personal vengeance. But we are to seek to protect those who are abused and misused, helping them to find help, healing, and restoration.

Now, there are four inadequate men in this story, and they each have something to teach us. The first is Amnon himself. He is controlled by his appetites. To him, people are objects to be used for satisfying those appetites. He is passionate, but his passion is unrestrained and undirected by love. He wants what he wants, and he doesn’t care what happens to people after he has used them.

The second is Jonadab. Jonadab was the son of one of David’s brothers, so he was Amnon’s cousin. And Tamar’s cousin. To Jonadab, people are tools too, but his appetites are much different than Amnon’s. Amnon can’t see past his own body. Jonadab wants power over people. Power and influence. He’s wise, but he isn’t godly, and that makes him dangerous. He has no integrity.

He helps Amnon take Tamar, telling him to pretend he is sick to get her close to him. And then, when Absalom – Tamar’s full brother and the one to whom she ran in shame after Amnon took her – when Absalom plotted to kill Amnon, Jonadab was with him, helping him plot Amnon’s demise from the moment Tamar ran from him in shame. He has wisdom and an appetite for moving up in power and influence, but he has no compass. There is nothing he won’t do, no one he won’t double cross to get what he wants. Jonadab is no friend to Amnon. He is using Amnon, just as Amnon used Tamar.

And then there’s Absalom, David’s son and Tamar’s brother. His problem is in his unrestrained anger. And he’s the one we need to pay attention to the most here. He is the one who wants vengeance. He is rightfully angry and indignant. But he has forgotten, or perhaps never embraced, these words from the Law of Moses: “Vengeance is mine, and recompense, for the time when their foot shall slip; for the day of their calamity is at hand, and their doom comes swiftly.’ For the Lord will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants, when he sees that their power is gone” (Deut. 32:35-36). These words are ready-made for Tamar’s situation.

But Absalom wants to take revenge himself. He doesn’t want to let the king, the rightful authority to bring God’s justice to bear here, to deal with it. He wants to take matters into his own hands. He wants to get Amnon back himself. His hatred for Amnon has outweighed his love for his sister Tamar. He is no longer thinking about her. He sees only his own hatred, and hatred must be satisfied. He will settle for nothing less than Amnon’s life.

Oh, he doesn’t show it right away. Look at V. 22. He ignored Amnon. But he didn’t go right to his house and confront him. No, he had something else in mind. He was plotting Amnon’s demise. For two full years he plotted and waited. Absalom allowed his anger to become hatred, and his was a cool, calculating hatred. And when the moment was right, he struck, and took his brother’s life.

We need to see a little bit of ourselves in Absalom. Wanting to take matters into our own hands, ignoring God’s Word, allowing anger to fester until is becomes full-blown hatred. The New Testament letter of Titus says, “For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. (We were just like Amnon, Jonadab, and Absalom) But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life” (Titus 3:3-7).

And then there’s David. Look at V. 21. That is the sum total of David involvement here. David is passive. He’s father to Amnon, Tamar, and Absalom, and uncle to Jonadab. He’s also the king, God’s instrument of justice in Israel. He gets angry, but he doesn’t do anything at all. He doesn’t confront and punish Amnon. The law called for punishment but the punishment wasn’t death in cases of rape or incest or both. He doesn’t help Absalom process his anger by punishing Amnon and by guiding Absalom. He just lets him stew. He doesn’t do anything to protect or restore Tamar. David did nothing. He got angry, but he didn’t do anything.

He didn’t need to act in unrestrained anger like Absalom did. But David’s lack of action led to Amnon’s death and ultimately to Absalom’s death too. But to understand that, we need to find God at work here. God isn’t mentioned at all in this passage. None of the people involved take their concerns to God. We could argue that Tamar did because she argues from the Law of Moses, the Word of God, to try to get Amnon to stop. But the words “God” or “the LORD” don’t appear here. Amnon and Jonadab aren’t interested in listening to God. They need to ignore God to get what they want. When we are ruled by our appetites, whatever they may be, we have to ignore God in order to get what we want, which we have convinced ourselves we need.

But I find it striking that neither David nor Absalom cried out to God, seeking God’s direction and guidance. Absalom took matters into his own hands. David did nothing. Opposite ends of the spectrum, but neither one the right response.

But God IS at work here. And to see where, we need to look back at Nathan’s confrontation of David after he had Bathsheba’s husband Uriah killed. Look back at 2 Samuel 12:10-11. No one is seeking God here, but God is keeping his word. David was forgiven by God for his sin with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband because he repented of his sin. But would still reap what he sowed.

God’s punishment of David would find its fulfillment in Absalom’s rebellion and attempt to dethrone his father. And the battle lines of Absalom’s rebellion have been. Absalom and Tamar on one side, Amnon on the other, Jonadab going back and forth. David’s family is divided. Perhaps it was David’s inability to act as king, and as a protective father, that sowed the seed of revolt in Absalom’s heart. Regardless, while no one is seeking God here, God is at work, keeping his word. David is reaping what he has sowed.

When in sin we allow our appetites to run unchecked, people get hurt. And when people get hurt, anger and resentment turn to hatred, and life gets messy. We see it playing out in front of our eyes every day in large ways and in small. We see it in bar fights and road rage. We see it in families torn apart by greed, lust, and betrayal. We saw it escalate several years ago in the local attorney who put a hit out on the man who had an affair with his wife.

We see it playing out every day in Palestine and Israel. Palestinians chafing from 70 years of being treated unjustly by Israel. Israel chafing under centuries of mistreatment and injustice and murder in countries around Europe as Jews have been mistreated and murdered. Hurt people hurting people. Some side with Palestine and deride Israel. Others side with Israel and deride Palestine.

Neither of those paths will lead to peace. God’s peace. A just peace. Wholeness. Shalom. A just peace acknowledges all of the harm that has been done to both and seeks a solution that accounts for both. But the leaders on both sides want nothing of it. Why? Because resentment has become anger, and anger has become hatred. And hatred has led to aggression and killing. And that leads to more resentment and anger, and the cycle just keeps going.

But there is another way. It is the way of the cross. The way of Jesus. We’ve seen the path of sin leading to violence and hatred. The path of ungrace. We must embrace another path. The path of grace. The path where sin is repented of and forgiveness offered. It is on that path that we live as citizens of the kingdom of God in this very broken, very messy world. Let us pray.