Courageous Love pt. 2

Hebrews 13:4-6

Until this year, few people knew about 31 year old Kelsey Pfendler. She is a Grand Canyon river rafting guide. In May, hundreds of thousands of people now following her on social media, she shoved off from a marina in Monterey, California, intent on rowing her 21’ rowboat “Lilly” 2,400 miles – from California to Hawaii.

Forty four days later, on Friday, July 3 – just over a week ago –  she rowed into Ala Wai Boat Harbor in Honolulu. Others, both men and women, have completed the same journey. But Kelsey is the first American woman to do it. She is the youngest woman to do it. And it would appear that she is the fastest human to do it – her 44 day journey beat the women’s record of 86 days AND the men’s record of 52 days.

In her regular video uploads during the long, woman-powered journey, she talked about the challenges she faced. Blistered hands from rowing. Her arms and her oars were her only source of power. No sail. No motor. She struggled to sleep because of the stiff ocean winds. She had the mental and physical struggle of dealing with ocean currents that sometimes worked against her, not with her. In some of her videos, her voice showed heavy emotion. The physical, emotional, and mental burden she bore wore on her. At times, it almost broke her.

Can you imagine being out there in the middle of the ocean? Literally in the middle of nowhere – at one point 1,200 miles from her starting point and 1,200 miles from her destination. In a tiny, 21’ rowboat. A tiny speck pitching and bobbing on the surface of the world’s largest ocean.

Did you know that a boat on the sea is one of the images we use to depict the church – the people of God in this world through the ages and up to today? That imagery is drawn primarily from the ark God had Noah build to save his family – a speck of humanity – from the coming judgment. A vessel saving the people of God from death.  And from Jesus calming the storm on the Sea of Galilee while his disciples – a third of whom were experienced sailors –  were overcome with fear. It’s a symbol of God’s protection of his people during times of great trial and stress.

The image of a tiny boat, a speck out on a vast ocean, is a good metaphor for the people of God in the world through the ages. Sometimes the dangers come from things outside the boat. Storms, the wind and the waves, and the currents that batter the boat and try to push it off course. For us, that’s the prevailing winds of cultures and societies that contradict the life God has called his people to live. Sometimes we’re struggling and straining and feel like we’re getting nowhere, or even losing ground.

At other times though, the dangers come from inside the boat. From inside the hearts and minds of those of us who are on this journey through life with Christ. The temptation to give in to the prevailing winds and currents of culture. To chart our own course instead of following the path Christ is leading us on. To give up the journey altogether.

We’re coming to the end of our journey together through the New Testament book of Hebrews – a written sermon intended to encourage the struggling people of God. And today is really part 2 of a sermon we started the last time I spoke – three weeks ago now. This is part 2 of a sermon called Courageous Love.

Our pastor has been talking about WHY we can and should hang on to Jesus through life’s storms. Now we’re  explore HOW we hang on to Jesus through life’s storms. And where does our pastor take us immediately? To community. To the body of Christ, with all of its quirks and hang ups and annoyances. Persevering in courageous faith requires living in courageous love.

Three weeks ago, we looked at the first three verses of Hebrews 13, where our pastor brought up three things that build that team, that community, that family we call the church – sisterly and brotherly love shown in sacrificial hospitality and deep empathy. Now, in Vv. 4-6, our pastor brings up two things that can destroy the team, the family, the community called the church. Turn with me to Hebrews 13:4-6.

The first thing that can destroy community, family, is unhealthy relationships. And the primary human relationship is often the marriage relationship. Look at V. 4 again. Now, our pastor isn’t knocking the single life. Not at all! St. Paul was single and proud of it. In 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 he says, “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.”

Now, just as Hebrews isn’t knocking singleness, Paul wasn’t knocking marriage. Both are perfectly normal, healthy ways of moving through life, each with their own set of blessings and also their own set of challenges. But when we think about healthy relationships, marriage is first and foremost in our minds. Jesus honored marriage by performing his very first miracle at a wedding. And the marriage relationship was further honored by becoming a metaphor for the relationship between God and his church. Churches that persevere in courageous faith by living in courageous love respect marriage, and seek to honor marriages by strengthening them.

No marriage is perfect, because no person is perfect. No relationship between two imperfect people can be perfect. But the way we treat other people is a critical part of living together in courageous love. Most of you know that in addition to being a pastor, I am also a therapist, and one of my areas of specialty is marriage counseling. One of the things I’ve found in my years of wading into peoples’ marriages and helping them figure out what’s wrong and what they can do to fix it is that we quite often treat our spouses worse than we treat almost anyone else.

We’ll say and do things to our spouse that we would never in a million years think of saying and doing to a neighbor, or a coworker, or a business client. The Mills Brothers were a little too accurate when they sang, “You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn’t hurt at all. You always take the sweetest rose, and crush it till the petals fall.” I tell clients all the time, “If you figure this stuff out, you won’t just have a stronger marriage. You’ll be a better neighbor. A better friend. A better coworker. A better employer. A better employee.”

And the bad habits that weaken marriages can, when the slop over into the rest of our relationships, can destroy community. But learning to listen to understand rather than reply, to allow your partner to communicate their needs and wants and desires, to repair effectively when a conversation goes off the rails, to look for the win-win when you have conflicting life dreams, not only build marriages, they build friendships and churches too.

Now, we can’t bring up marriage without talking about sexuality too. And we tend to fall into one of two errors when it comes to talking about sex. One is to ignore it altogether and just cave to our culture’s obsession with sex and sexual fulfillment and say, “Well, that’s just the way it is these days.” The other is to obsess about it and rail about it constantly from the pulpit and in youth group.

Either cave to culture, (and culture’s obsession with sex is nothing new, it goes back to the beginning of humanity), or treat sexual sin and failure as the worst possible thing someone could do. And instead of talking about it in the right way, as an incredibly powerful thing when applied appropriately, we just talk about how bad it is if you use it wrong.

So how should we be talking about it? It really comes down to three words – only within marriage. Not before. And not outside of it. Why? Because it’s powerful. It’s a gift from God. And it has purpose. One of those purposes is to build and maintain intimacy in marriage. Breakups between people who got sexually involved without being married can get really messy. So can breakups of existing marriages.

And we have to recognize that some relationships are so broken that they cannot be healed. It takes two, and sometimes one of the people isn’t willing or able to do the work they need to do. So we never insist that someone stay in a physically, emotionally, or spiritually abusive marriage. Divorce is never a good thing, but sometimes it is the lesser of two evils.

Churches that show courageous faith and courageous love honor marriage, seek to build and strengthen marriages, and encourage healthy, godly sexual expression. Courageous love is marked by healthy relationships, and healthy but imperfect marriages are a signal of that. Healthy relationships with one another, and healthy relationships with our money and possessions. Look at V. 5. Now, just as our pastor is not condemning singleness, she or he is also not condemning wealth. It doesn’t say, “Keep your life free from money.” It says, “Keep your life free from LOVE OF money.” It is possible to have great wealth and be extremely generous, and its possible to be homeless and jobless and full of greed.

The problem is that it’s really, really easy to convince ourselves that we don’t love money when we do. We all lie, and the person we lie to the most is ourselves. We all deceive, and the person we most often deceive is ourselves. A lot of us wouldn’t necessarily say we are greedy, but our hearts and minds are discontent. Discontent with what we have, no matter how much it is. Discontent with how much we make, no matter how much it is. Discontent with who we are and how other people might view us because of what we do or don’t have.

And advertising feeds on discontent. Our economy in many ways DEPENDS ON discontent. My desire to update what I have, which means I need more to spend. So I work harder and more. I climb the ladder until I arrive maybe not at the top but at the top for me, and I find that I’m miserable. I was happy as a teacher, but I hate being a principal, even though I make more money. I was happy being a design engineer but I hate leading the company. I was happy working in the finance department but I hate being VP of finance. Even though I make more money.

Now, again, there’s nothing wrong with being in those positions if you’re good at it and enjoy it. And every job comes with some stress attached. That isn’t the point. The point is, are you doing it ONLY for the money, slowly dying inside in the process, or do you love the challenge?

Discontent fuels greed and greed destroys community just as quickly as unhealthy relationships can. If I only view other people as my competition, or as tools to help me make more money, I’ll have no problem pushing them down, tripping them, stepping all over them – maybe not physically, but certainly professionally, to get ahead. To get more.

Just as both singleness and marriage have their own sets of blessings and challenges, so poverty and wealth have their own sets of blessings and challenges. But we’d be foolish to believe that great wealth cannot be dangerous to our souls, OR that those stuck in poverty cannot be overcome by greed.

So what’s the answer? What’s the next key to persevering in courageous faith by living in courageous love that our pastor is getting at? It’s contentment. Look at the end of V. 5 and V. 6.

Do you remember the old worship song, “You are my strength when I am weak, you are the treasure that I seek, you are my all in all”? “Seeking You as a precious jewel, Lord to give up I’d be a fool. You are my All in all.” “Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is Your Name.” “Taking my sin, my cross, my shame, rising again I praise Your Name.

You are my All in all. When I fall down you lift me up. When I am dry you fill my cup. You are my All in all.”

If God will never leave me or forsake me … If the Lord is my helper … then I don’t need to fear, do I? What can any human being do to me? What I think about God determines how I think about other people. Let me say that again. What I think about God determines how I think about, and love, other people. In my marriage, in my family, in my neighborhood, and at work.

If God really is my all in all, then my sense of self and my sense of security rest not in the health of my bank account, but in my position in Christ as his dearly loved child. If Jesus really is my all in all, then I will work hard to relate to others, especially my spouse, in ways that honor them as being created in the image of God. They aren’t a tool for me to use or abuse. They’re dearly loved by God.

Ann lived to be 103, John to be 107. John Betar and Ann Shawah said “I do” back on November 25th, 1932, and they died within 7 months of each other in late 2018 and early 2019, having been married for 86 years. During those 86 years, they weathered many storms, but they still greeted each morning with eagerness and gratitude. They lived through the Great Depression, World War II, the terrorist attacks of 9-11, and two powerful hurricanes. As of November 2012, when John was 101, Ann was 97, and they celebrated their 80^th anniversary, they were still living in their home. They had five children, 14 grandchildren and 16 great grandchildren.

When she was still a teenager, Ann’s father had arranged for her to wed a local man in Bridgeport, Connecticut. But her heart already belonged to another – John Betar. She and John eloped in Harrelson, New York because, as Ann said, “We didn’t have any money to go any farther.” People told them it would never last. That was more than 86 years later, they were still happily married.

They each offered some simple guidelines for building a lasting marriage. John said, “Get along. Compromise. Live within your means and be content. And let your wife be the boss.” But Ann countered, “We don’t have bosses.”

Both John and Ann acknowledge God as the source of their blessings. Ann said, “How can you not feel God’s right with you and blessing you?” John reemphasized the importance of living with contentment. He said, “We just live with contentment and we don’t live beyond our means.”[i]

We just live with contentment. In marriage, and in life. Unhealthy relationships with other people, especially in marriage, and unhealthy relationships with money destroy the church. Brotherly and sisterly love shown in radical, sacrificial hospitality, deep empathy, and contentment … honoring others as people to be loved, not tools to be used … that’s how we hang in there when we feel like a tiny speck adrift on a massive ocean. Courageous faith shown in courageous love. Let’s pray.

[i] Lauren Sher, “Couple celebrates 80th wedding anniversary, shares secrets to lasting marriage,” abcnews (11-20-12); Meg Barone, “Fairfield couple gives thanks for 80 years of life together,” Fairfield Citizen (11-21-12)